afefDad, you have the coolest job.
Well, sometimes I feel like should hang out with a better class of animals.
Oh, come on. Hey.
Have some class, will ya? We got mixed company down here.
You know dad, genetically speaking, monkeys are our first cousins.
You mean, uncle Bob's kids? Yeah. I suppose I'd agree with that.
No, I'm serious.
Actually, some scientists say that monkey diets are more evolved than our own.
Oh, this is about diets again, huh?
I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt to eat more fruits and vegetables. Like monkeys do.
Honey, the reason that monkeys eat so many fruits and vegetables...
is because they're not smart enough to butcher a cow.
Your mother, God bless her soul, didn't believe the old ideas...
about nursing and breast-feeding, and all that.
You were fed cheeseburgers as a baby. And look at you.
You're as big as a house. You're as strong as a bull. You smell like a cow.
Cholesterol is probably a little high, but, you know, they have medicine for that now.
You get an angioplasty, get it all cleared out. You're doing great, honey.
All right. I'll start working out tomorrow.
- I'd better be taking better care of myself, okay? - So you're betting you're doing the school hike with me?
First things first. Eat your lunch. We'll talk about it later.
Hey. Give me that egg, pal! Give me the egg, friendly. Come on.
Dad! Dad, stop it! What are you doing?
Hey! That's my egg. Give me that.
It's just an egg, dad!
Okay, now I gotta choke you!
Now who's evolved?
What's the matter, buddy? All that salad slow you down?
Dad!
That's filthy.
Honey, ten-second rule:
Hits the ground, you pick it up within 10 seconds, you can eat it.
- Saliva one, what have you got? - We have a 2-20 on an egg. Echo-Gamma-Gamma. Over.
- Any mayo? - That's affirmative.
Slow traffic in the bowel. We need that mayonnaise, over.
Enzyme breakdown in ten. Be careful out there.
You know, when I was a rookie cell, this place was clean enough to eat out of.
Look at it now. Jeez, what a disgrace.
See anything, kid?
I do.
Nice genes. You got chromosomes in all the right places.
- Jones. - What? Ain't nothing a toothbrush can't handle.
I wish you'd take this job a bit more seriously.
You see this badge? You see this gun?
See this gooey white sackus membranous around my personhood?
- Here we go again. - You dealing with a white blood cell here!
I should be out in the veins fighting disease. Not in the mouth on tartar control!
Lucky you ain't in a scab.
Uh oh, we got germs on that egg.
Baby! It's Ozzy time!
It's probably gingivitis, don't get carried away.
All, you have entered the city of Frank.
Put your hands up and surrender for digestion.
Saliva one, requesting ground support. Over.
Bicuspid four, we're in the vicinity, we're on it.
This is a private organism. There is no use running.
Up spit creek without a paddle.
Don't get me mad. I will turn into a germicidal maniac.
Halt. Saliva Patrol.
Son of a botulism!
They swiped the patrol car!
Get out of here.
You gone done it now.
Holy Frank!
He's about to yawn!
We're getting sucked in!
I told city hall we need more sleep!
Hold tight, kid!
Osmosis Jones to dispatch.
We got multiple germs, I repeat, multiple germs coming down the windpipe.
If these bad boys hit the blood stream, we're gonna be illing.
I'm talking nose-dripping, chicken-soup-drinking...
rectal-thermometer-sticking, illing!
- Request permission to pursue? - Chief. Listen to this.
- You got plans for the weekend, kid? - Oh, yeah.
Me and my girlfriend are going down to the Kidneys to see the Stones.
Good for you, they could pass any day now.
All units south of the stomach, be on the lookout for illegal organism.
Jones, you want to keep your job?
Stay where you are and wait for backup!
I can get them.
I said stay put.
- Over. - You heard the chief.
We're out of our jurisdiction.
It's immunity's problem, now. We'd better get back up to the mouth.
- What the... Hey, Jones! - Chief, you're gonna thank me for this later.
Don't even think about it, pal. Aren't you in enough trouble already?
Jones!
Slow down! Slow down!
Hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What the heck?
Hey Redge, shouldn't you be up in the mouth?
Aww, come on, guys. This is my bust. I saw him first.
You want Osmosis? You got Osmosis.
Bye-bye, cop!
Sorry, baby. But it's time you take your medicine.
Dang. Always pulls to the right.
Dad, what's wrong, what's wrong?
- Oh, my God. - It's a cramp!
Officer down.
These stairs are killing me, honey. We may have to move.
But, Dad, there's only four steps.
All right, if you love it here...
I'll build a ramp.
I can't believe it's been three hours since lunch and we're still cleaning up this egg.
Man, would you look at all that gunk.
Seriously.
What does this guy do? Rolls food around on the ground before he eats it?
We need to send a letter to the mayor about washing our hands before we eat.
Like he's going to listen to us.
Hey, cells vote, man.
Cells vote.
Got you, you little...
A-A-Artie?
What's going on over there?
Artie?
Holy spit.
Careful, I'm contagious.
I don't like!
I think I'll turn up the heat in here.
Connecting, please hold. One moment.
Now connecting.
Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor, do you have a plan to deal with the fat-cell housing shortage?
I'd like to announce we're beginning construction on a third chin.
Mr. Mayor, we're having jock itch!
Any comments on today's cramp?
What do you have to say about all the hair cells laid off from the scalp?
There'll be plenty of new jobs for everyone on the back.
What do you think of Frank's daughter's request for better nutrition?
85% of red blood cell children don't even know how to carry oxygen.
People, people, you worry too much.
The body is in perfect shape.
No more questions. Thank you.
Do they know how hard I work?
No, no. Nobody cares.
- Mr. Mayor... - Not now, Leah, I have a body to run.
- I've got Tom Colonic's new ad. - Oh? Let's go, put it on.
The following is a paid political announcement.
The bowels didn't always smell this way.
No. There was a time when eating right and exercise...
kept this whole area a vital centre of activity.
But during Mayor Phlegmming's term, we've seen rot and stagnation...
paralyse this neighbourhood...
as well as the colon, and the sphincter.
Well, I think it's time we get things moving again.
I'm Tom Colonic. As mayor, I would set long-term goals...
that include ordering salads and eating bran.
Mayor Phlegmming may think that things are fine just the way they are.
But I think that if we pull together and put in a little hard work...
a new Frank could be right around the corner.
Mr. Colonic? What's that smell?
Why, that's the smell of change, Billy.
That's the smell of change.
Paid for by Colonic for Mayor.
Can you believe those lies?
Sir, he's got a point. You know when I came to work for you, you promised you would concentrate more on health issues.
Yeah, I want Frank to be healthy,
but think of the sacrifices, the hard work, the lack of potato chips.
That's not what voters want.
- Then why are you behind in the polls? - Don't you worry about the polls.
I have a plan that's gonna flush Colonic down the toilet.
Honey.
Shane.
Coming!
You okay? Where does it hurt?
Leg.
Is it here?
A leg.
Here?
Leg.
Here.
I just needed some sodium.
I think that's what made me cramp up.
Heads up!
Chicken going down rough. Chicken going down rough.
Oh, now what?
Sir, turn on the optical feed.
Let me take a look at that, Dad.
Open wide.
- Open wide. Aah. - Aah!
Could you swallow first, please?
Definitely red.
Are you ordering out?
No. I'm making you an appointment to see the doctor.
Sick? We're not getting sick! We have far too much planned.
Sir, you can't go into override without a vote from city council.
Yes, my dear.
Voice manual control on.
- Hey, that's only for emergencies. - Leah, this is an emergency.
On second thought...
- Perhaps I'll take a cold pill. - Perhaps I'll take a cold pill.
Uh, sir?
Thank you, Leah. Get me the chief on the phone. There's a good girl.
"Drixenol".
Next.
I caught this one with six micrograms of stolen adrenaline.
It's not mine. I swear, I was holding it for my cousins.
Oh yeah, I never heard that one before. Take him to lockdown. Next.
Hey, it's the Germinator!
Okay guys. You got me there. Save a little for the criminals, alright?
- Jones, when was the last time you caught anything? - Hey, you should've seen this thing.
This ain't no ordinary household germ.
This thing's bigger than all of us. This ain't even from Frank's body.
This is like a Al Roker germ, a Heavy D germ.
Talking about this?
Yeah, he's slouching right now.
Jones! In my office!
- Chiefy-weefy, what's up? - Don't "chiefy-weefy" me.
Have you seen the headlines?
The papers are calling it the most powerful cramp since Shane made us try that Tae Bo workout!
- Hold on a second, here. - I told you to stay put. I told you to wait for backup!
But once again, you had to do it your own way.
- Man, I was right there. I could have done it... - Right!
78 trillion cells in the body, all working together...
you're the only one who thinks he can do it alone.
You ever think that might be your problem, Jones?
What?! Oh, hello, Mr. Mayor. The missus? She's great, yes.
Ah, you're kidding me, sir. I'll put a man right on it.
Yes. Stupid political decisions.
Now where was I?
Eh, you were just starting to say how you were giving me...
a promotion to Head of Brain Security, I believe. Yep.
You know what, Jones? You're right. Maybe it is time I give you a case.
Talking about what now?
We have a situation in the throat and I'm putting you on.
Thank you, chief. Thank you, chief. You won't regret this.
You a good man. You a fine man. You a upstanding man.
- Yeah. Whatever you say. - It was on the fence for a while.
People like, "Good man, bad man." Now it's official: You are a good man.
You done? Now our pill is getting swallowed as we speak.
So I suggest you get your nucleus down to that stomach, pronto.
Pill? What pill?
I didn't think I was gonna trust you to take care of a sore throat by yourself, did you?
Now get out of here. Or I swear on Frank you're gonna be on butt-hair patrol for the next three years!
Rinky-dink, stink, pinky pill.
The white zone is for ingestion and digestion gastric passengers only. No parking.
Plateau: peanut now boarding for intestine and liver...
with direct service to the colon.
Now boarding.
Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna...
All right.
Attention. All fat cells proceed directly to the love handles. Thank you.
Oh, yes, Mr. Mayor.
No, sir, it hasn't arrived yet.
What the... Look out now.
Did you see a chance to look at my notes on your speech?
The in-box.
Yes, it says "in" right on it, sir. I'll check back later.
All right, goodbye.
Well, well, well. What do we have here? Somebody been working out!
Leah, you looking fine. Mighty fine.
Oh, Jones. Did they have to assign you to this?
Spit. Wasn't my idea, but now I'm starting to like it.
Baby, when are you and me gonna hooking up?
I know this little spot behind the eye, has a perfect view.
Perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you. You know what I'm saying?
Do you know what I'm saying? 'Cause I been saying it a long time.
Jones, what in the world makes you think I would ever go out with you?
What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl! The chicks line up to divide with me.
Oh, really?
'Cause to me you look like the kind of cell who mostly divides with himself.
Who cut off the heat? Somebody pay the bill! It's cold in here.
Now arriving with some milk, a cold pill with a pleasant fruity flavour.
Wow, this is huge.
Don't be all impressed, 'cause 99% of that is just sugar, you know.
Yeah? And 99% of you is just stupid.
Ouh! Like I haven't heard that one before.
What is that cherry stank?
Special agent Drixobenzometaphedramine.
"Drixenol. The brand that eases your coughs and sneezes."
Warning. Do not exceed recommended dosage. If symptoms persist, consult a physician.
May cause drowsiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery.
Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets.
Wow. I'm feeling better already.
- You can call me "Drix". - Welcome to the City of Frank.
I'd like to examine your irritated areas.
Never on the first date, Drips.
- Drix. - That's what I said.
- No, I think you said "Drips" with a "P". - Whatever.
Jones.
This ain't working out. I'm gonna call the chief, ask him to assign someone else.
Wait.
Hold up now. I need this job, Leah.
Come on. Just give me a shot.
All right. But no screw-ups, you dig?
Baby, I promise everything's gonna be fine. Not as fine as you, but fine.
Man, what you been eating?
That's my effervescent propulsion.
All right. But we're driving with the windows open.
I don't want none of those fruity bubbles stinking up my ride.
You got that?
Aw, man, look what you're doing to my baby.
Hey, hey, hey. Don't touch my radio!
Where you from, tough stuff?
I was developed at the University of Chicago, where I graduated Phi Beta Capsule.
Great, got me a college boy.
I received my FDA-certification in colds and flu studies...
as well as a master's in Multi-symptom Relief. Where did you study?
Study? When you grow up on the wrong side of the digestive tract, you don't got no money for no fancy schools.
I'm not kidding, man. My high school was crack central.
No, it was in the crack! Right in the stanky puckered centre!
We was so poor, we lived on peanut butter and cellulite sandwiches.
Did you ever try to blow-dry your hair with a fart?
- Okay, I get it, you were poor. - You bet I was!
Did you ever try to make a snowman out of paper cling-ons? Now that's poor!
Okay, please, you're going to make me vomit.
I know. We couldn't afford no vomit, that's for rich folks.
- Excuse me, while I wipe my eyes. - You wanna talk about wiping?
No!
Okay. You're all new so follow my lead, all right?
Yo! Wait up! Didn't they teach you manners in that Ivy League petri dish?
Murphy, it's flaring up again! Give me a status on the pain relief.
We have a foreign important substance in the upper respiratory system.
Inflammation and glandular swelling. We meet again.
Dougy-Doug, the firebug!
My boy is hot!
Osmosis Jones. Like I don't have enough problems?
You can start redirecting traffic over there.
What you talking about? Hey, I'm in charge of this sore throat, baby.
- You're kidding me. - No. Straight up. Now, what we got?
It's just a routine sore throat.
Looks like a saliva boat went haywire and crashed.
Saliva boat? That's pretty unusual.
Knock down that hot spot. Get that ladder team over here!
Step away.
The tamperproof seal is there for your protection.
Not my suedes!
What the dilly?
Por favor, please man, don't shoot!
La Muerte man esta aqui!
He's going to kill us dead, hombre!
No, no, no. Talk English, man. We ain't on Telemundo here.
La Muerte Roja! He's coming, man. I saw him.
I... I saw him. I saw him! La Muerte Roja...
When your body's full of aches A Drixenol is all it takes
Excuse me! What do you think you're doing?
I'm soothing the irritation.
You just soothed my witness into a germ-cicle.
Well, don't worry, he'll be back to normal in a few days.
A few days is too late.
He might have some information on what went down here.
Officer, nothing "went down" here. This is just a common sore throat.
This is a crime scene.
Yo, you want to do something useful? Go plug some Turtle Wax into that thing...
and wash my car!
Now that's inflammation relief.
Later, Doug.
Be cool, Oz.
Hey fellas, how's it feel working with the two dumbest animals in the zoo?
- Not too bad. - It's all right.
I'm talking to the camels.
We're dumb, and they're talking to the camels.
Excellent.
Oh, man. I'm so psyched for this long weekend.
Getting out of town?
Out of town? I'm not getting out of my bathrobe.
I'm just gonna wheel a keg into the living room and plop myself down on the sofa in front of the TV.
And spend a little quality time with the wife and kids.
What's that smell?
That's Bruno. His tummy's still upset.
No, I'm talking about that nasty, skanky, sweaty smell.
Oh, that's my daughter Shane. She won't buy me deodorant anymore.
She says it causes cancer.
Did the foot fungus pay up yet?
No, that guy's getting flaky on us.
Well, you ain't going to collect nothing from him up here in the pit.
Now get down there, send him a message.
So, this is where the scum of Frank comes to fester.
Hey, you lost, pal? This is a private sweat gland. Now beat it!
I'm looking for volunteers, yo. Some nasty germs who want in on a big score.
Yo, Red, we run the rackets here. Take your little hustle someplace else.
Oh, baby, this ain't about no hustle.
This is about the baddest illness any of y'all have ever seen.
Look who thinks he's the Ebola virus, huh?
Ebola?
Let me tell you something about Ebola, baby.
Ebola is a case of dandruff compared to me!
All right, pal. You're out of here.
Bruiser, take this punk up to the face and bury him in a blackhead.
When we're done with you, it'll take a Swedish facialist and six steaming washcloths...
to get you out!
Sounds like a gas, baby. Bring it on.
Bruiser! What are you? A sissy Mary?
What are you doing?
Che fa? What's he doing?
You ain't so tough, huh? That was nothing.
So, uh...
what kind of sickness do you have in mind...
- boss? - Deadly.
Hey, Dad. Hey, Uncle Bob.
Hello, beautiful.
Today, I stopped by the camping store...
and I got some nuts and berries and stuff for the father-daughter hike.
Right, Shane. On this hike, is that teacher of yours going to be there?
Yeah, my whole class is. Why?
I don't know. Just thinking I might take a rain check.
Dad, Mrs. Boyd isn't still mad at you.
No. I didn't think so. We could find something better to do.
You know.
Y-Yesterday, without thinking, I did all my hiking for the week.
I hiked to the liquor store, I hiked to the cigarette warehouse...
- But, Dad, you said... - I said I was gonna think about it.
It's a holiday weekend. The important thing is that we're together, right?
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Well, I have something very special up my sleeve.
Sweetheart. Have you ever seen a rattlesnake swallow a football?
I don't think she has.
Oh, it's fun. Come on.
- Come on. I'll show you. - Thank you, Uncle Bob.
You're gonna love it!
What are we wasting time here for?
Do I have to remind you that I am on a strict 12-hour time release program?
- First the throat, then the nose, then the aches and pains. - I got it.
Real important stuff. Just wait in the car.
I got police work to do.
Could you get me one glazed and one with a jelly-filled nucleus.
Brain memory library. Can I help you?
You got any information on something called...
- "El Morry Roho"? - Stand by.
I'll check, but we're really all about sports statistics here.
- Sir? - Yeah, I'm here.
- What you got? - "La Muerte Roja", that's Spanish.
- It means "The Red Death". - The Red Death?
- What's that? Some kind of taco sauce? - You have a nice day.
Hello?
Yo!
Yo, Drips!
You ever hear of The Red Death?
Look alive, boys. We got dust at nine o'clock.
Eat hot nose juice, dust.
- Well, we're here. You happy? - Hear that?
Quick! Jones, the dam is under attack!
Hey, chill, pill!
- It's just some snot guns are booger-coating some dust. - Oh.
Now, get to work!
This is your big plan? A sore throat? A stuffy nose?
- People will think you're... - A common cold.
Until I make my move, that's precisely what I want them to think.
Yo, check it out. We got cops here!
Hey, look.
Yo, yo, yo. Be careful! That's a pollen pod, man. Frank is totally allergic to this stuff.
- I didn't know Frank had allergies. - Of course you didn't.
No useless pill knows nothing about what goes on in here.
Jones...
In the words of the immortal James Brown, get down!
James who?
- Hey, Frank. - Hey. Danny.
You, dimwit.
You could've damaged the dam!
Relax, this baby was built to last. Solid cartilage.
You're an engineer now. Excuse me, I need to test the mucous viscosity.
Frank! Why are you leaving so early?
It's all shovelled out. The hippo's asleep. I'm going to take Shane to Docky's.
- Oh yeah? Did you think of something to do with her? - Yeah, I did great.
I guarantee you there ain't nothing wrong with this dam.
So you want me to take care of them?
No. Hit all the pressure valves. They're about to blow the scene.
What in the name of sweet bleeding Frank?!
The membrane is cracking, you...
- Drix! I think you missed a spot! - Come on, fellas. Go! Go! Go!
- Let's get out of here! - Yo! Stop!
Immunity!
What the Frank?
Wait a minute!
Nose hairs!
Watch out!
Look out!
We're going to die!
Gee, Frank, I'm standing right here. Can you use a tissue?
- I don't have one. - Well, use your imagination.
What's that over there?
- Better? - Much better.
- I gotta go get her. - All right.
- She'll be excited and she'll probably call you. - Good.
If it wasn't for you, none of this would have ever happened.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I...
I... have a nose to dry.
This is Nerve Network News. NNN.
Good evening.
In an act of selfless bravery, a cold tablet stopped a runny nose today.
The heroic tablet is due to be honoured later this afternoon.
Trudy?
Well, in lighter news, there was pandemonium in the stomach today...
as some animal crackers arrived.
They are adorable, aren't they?
Now, we go live to Cerebellum Hall for a special address from Mayor Phlegmming.
Okay, Mayor.
In five, four, three...
Good evening, citizens of Frank. In the past few weeks of the campaign...
my opponent has thrown around a lot of fancy words to try to confuse the issues.
Words like "exercise", "low-fat", and "diet".
Words designed to scare us into changing what has worked for so many years.
Well, I say let's stay the course.
Remember, a fat Frank is a happy Frank.
What? That's not what I wrote.
I propose something that every organism in this city will enjoy.
I give you...
a dream vacation to the annual chicken wing festival...
in Buffalo, New York.
Final plans have been made and nothing is going to stand in our way.
And we're out.
- Sir, that wasn't the speech we agreed on. - Yes, yes, yes. Where's the little twerp in the wheelchair?
Hello, Johnny. How you doing?
Congratulations, boys. Excellent work in the nose today. Come on over here, and let's get some pictures.
I want the caption on this one to read, "Mayor and Pill Stop Cold... Cold."
Mr. Mayor. Mr. Mayor? Excuse me, sir, but we have a problem.
What are you talking about, Jones?
I think that whatever was in the sinuses is a lot more than a common cold.
Sir. Don't listen to Jones. His diagnostic skills are remedial at best!
You're the little cherry aspirin who iced a key witness to a viral attack!
That was an accident!
Yeah, the kind of accident only a time-release dipstick like yourself would have.
I am so sick of you! That's it, I can't work with him!
You can't work with me? I can't work with you!
Officers, please. Please!
- Jones, what's this virus that you're talking about? - The virus that torched the throat.
The virus that caused those have-been snot crests I was just surfing!
Those snot crests were caused by the sneeze, and the sneeze was caused by you.
Oh yeah? Then how come I saw that viral-looking mother fleeing the scene of the crime? Tell me!
Sir? We should put the city on full alert.
- You know, liquids, bed rest. You know, just to be safe. - We'll do no such thing.
I'm not going to postpone our trip just because the white blood cell with the worst record in Frank thought he saw something.
Listen, from now on keep those opinions in that mushy little head of yours...
or you're gonna find yourself in our next nosebleed. Understood?
Son, I apologize for all this.
Now, why don't we find you another more capable officer to work with.
Sir, if it's all the same to you...
I think I'll stay with Jones.
Wow.
Suit yourself.
You know, you didn't have to do that. The last thing I need is your sympathy.
This is not about sympathy.
I was sent into this body to make it feel better. So if this alleged virus...
has anything to do with that mission, I must pursue it.
Yeah, whatever.
Hey, Jones.
What did the mayor mean when he said you had a record?
You did something terrible, didn't you?
Drix, sometimes being too careful is all it takes.
What do you mean?
A couple of years ago, I was cruising the digestive tract, just minding my own business.
Outside it was Shane's school science fair. And everyone was real excited
'cause the winner was gonna get their picture on the front page of the local paper.
- Think anyone's gonna like my volcano? - Are you kidding? All these other parents are going home sad.
Because their kids' projects are cardboard and glitter paint and science.
Shane, yours is art.
- Wow, what a great tepee. - Tepee?
Mrs. Delirious, come on.
Honey, I'm going to check the competition. Why don't you see if you can learn these people something about volcanoes?
Hey partner, what you got there?
These? These are polluted oysters. Well, they were polluted.
I replanted them six months ago. That's how long the state says you gotta do it for.
And every time the tide came in, they'd flush...
all the bad stuff out.
Can you eat them?
Well, if my hypotenuse is correct, sure:
Yeah, definitely.
You got yourself a sale.
You might wanna check your math on that one.
I was working the kidneys when I heard about a 6-31 in progress.
That's incoming shellfish. So I headed down to the stomach, just to be safe.
Unscheduled shellfish now arriving at gate six.
And you must be Shane's dad.
Guilty as charged. Frank Detorre.
Frank, it's a pleasure to meet you. I am Mrs. Boyd.
I am Shane's science and PE teacher.
And I just have to tell you, your daughter Shane, I am just absolutely crazy about her.
She is a doll.
Well, if you mean that, I'm gonna keep her.
Oh, my God.
That is so funny!
Oh, my God, I got the giggles.
She's a sweetie-pie though.
Did she tell you that when she grows up she wants to move to the city and help people?
No kidding. You mean like a concierge or something?
No, no, no, no, no, not... Like, poor people.
Oh yeah, she told me that.
You know, I really just have to say, Frank, it's so wonderful to see...
Shane participating in the science fair.
You know, because since her mother passed away, she's had a really hard time, sort of...
being part of the group activities.
She's going to be okay.
And then I saw him.
He rode in on the clammiest looking oyster I'd ever seen.
Mr. Detorre?
Are you okay?
Those oysters.
The oysters? Oh, yeah, that's Zach's project.
He's a little slow.
The doctor says that he has a brain the size of a tangerine.
So we sort of gave him this project just to sort of push him along.
I think he just started it this morning, which is sort of funny. We're gonna give him an 'A' anyway.
Mr. Detorre?
There was no time to ask questions. So I did what I had to do.
Whoa, look at that guy!
You can probably guess which photo made it to the front page of paper the next day.
Overnight, Frank became the town laughingstock.
The photo got picked up and ran in every daily across the country.
He got fired from his job at the pea soup factory.
Lucky for us, our old friend Bob hooked up Frank with a job at the zoo.
It was a 90% cut in pay, but it was the best we could do.
Needless to say, none of this helped Shane.
And as for me, I got suspended for unnecessary force.
Since then, not a day's gone by that I haven't wondered:
"Did I do the right thing?"
You know, Jones, from your description, it sounds like you were justified.
Excuse me?
Oysters are a breeding ground for any number of dangerous bacteria.
They are! That's what I've been trying to tell everybody! Oh! Darn right they are.
- I never thought you'd be on my side. - I never thought you'd be right.
Excuse me, sir, we have a strict no-shoes-no-service policy.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
I beg your pardon. Is that how you treat the handicapped in Docky's?
Handicap?
I have a chronic ingrown-toe condition.
And doctors say it's only a short time before I won't be able to wear...
- even the roomiest of footwear. - I'll bring your menus.
Look. Would you bring some clam strips and some steamers when you come, too, please?
So, Dad, what's the big surprise?
Well, I know you wanted to go on a trip this weekend, so...
Tada!
Buffalo?
Buffalo, New York.
The buffalo wing festival this weekend.
Oh.
Great. So, what's the big surprise?
We got tickets! I called a scalper!
Look.
Ninety-nine kinds of wings.
One hundred and twenty-eight different dipping sauces.
You love math. Crunch the numbers on that.
And tell me, the possibilities are infinite.
Look! Here you are.
Ms. Chicken Wing Festival.
See this?
He's the champion. But he won't be for long.
Because I'm coming. I'm coming to get you, baby. Fun, huh?
Yeah, that's really cool, Dad.
See, I told you she'd be excited.
Now, tidy up, will you?
Okay, Frank. This is your conscience speaking. Now listen carefully.
This hiking trip means a lot to her. Figure out a way to make it work.
Use that charm.
What's wrong now?
Oh, gee. Oh, it's this damn toe.
Do me a favour, huh?
Don't you get old.
Listen to the toe. Don't you get old.
Hey, boss.
Looks like your plan worked.
That's right. I got this city exactly where I want it.
- So what about the cop and the pill? - Let's just say, if they give us a problem:
Fire!
Get it down! Money on the wood make the game go good.
Five bucks says size don't matter.
Come on! Let's do this thing now.
- Chicken-pock fights. - Get back!
Yeah, get him!
Yeah! Yeah, that's my baby! Try the headlock!
- See that dude? - Hey! That's a virus! We should arrest him!
No, man, that used to be a virus, now he's on our side.
- That's Chill. He's a flu shot. - That's funny, he doesn't look fluish.
Why don't you just stay here and watch the maestro work.
Yo, Chill! Chill!
Don't y'all know pock fight is against the law?
Hey, hey! Hey, where you all going?
Thanks a lot, junior. You just cost me twenty.
Money ain't gonna be your biggest problem if you don't tell me what you know about the sinuses.
Hey, I was injected into this body to rat on influenza only.
And this don't sound like influenza to me. Now beat it.
I bet Johnny Streptococcus and the Melanoma family would be very interested...
to hear about your flu-shot work.
You can't jack me on that, brother! I'm in the virus protection program.
You, virus. I believe children's strength ought to take care of you.
Oh-oh, you gone done it now, Chill. This guy's a psycho cop.
You had your chance to spill it, but it's too late.
This guy just off the Thorazine. Now, he's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
He's going El Pollo Loco on your crazy behind.
I can't look. I just can't look.
All right!
The guy's big time. He goes by the name of Thrax.
Go to that new place. The Zit, on the forehead.
You can't miss it. It's huge. There's a big meeting there tonight.
I'm out.
But you didn't hear that from me. You didn't hear that from me.
Next time, I'll be the bad cop.
You are a bad cop.
Who you calling a bad cop?
My, what big zits he has. How does something like this happen?
You wash your face with fried chicken, that's how.
Wait, wait, hold up now. Where do you think you're going?
- To get our cootie. - Looking like that?
- They'll tear you apart. You gotta get spiffy. - Spiffy?
Peep this. Check it out.
Pliable cellular dynamics. What an ingenious defence mechanism.
Ooh, let me try.
What do you think?
I think you should guard the car.
Oh no, this is my mission too. I insist on going in with you.
All right. But we gotta get you something to wear.
Are you sure this disguise is working?
Oh yeah, yeah. Trust me, it's perfect.
We got company. Be cool.
Now, try to relax. Fit in. Shake a tail cell or something.
I don't dance. I have no left feet.
- You don't dance? You don't dance? - No, I...
Come on. N-now, don't tell me you ain't never gotten jiggy with it.
I don't believe I have.
Come on, baby, give me a little bit of this.
Oh, all right.
- Here you go. - Oh yeah, baby, that's it.
- Get down. - Take it up, baby, don't let it all settle at the bottom.
Take that, chill cap, take it.
Oh, mama. Yo!
All right, you stay here and practice. Boy, you need it.
If I'm not back in five, you come looking, okay?
Barkeep, what you got?
- You got a problem with that? - No, no, no. It's just the way I like it:
Extra disgusting.
My plan is simple. Three teams will move through the cranial artery...
and one through the nasal passages.
We are going to the brain, baby. And we are going to steal us one of these.
Now, this little sucker comes from a place called the hypothalamus gland.
The hippa-hoppa-whatamus?
Hypothalamus. Hypothalamus.
Controls the temperature for the entire body.
We are going to march right in there and we are going to take the prize.
Then my man Frank's gonna heat up like a sidewalk on a summer day.
Go away.
I need to talk to you.
What a zit!
I mean, what is it? What is it? What do you want?
I want you to help me.
Do you want me to call the cops?
Or maybe Shane would like to know about the 200-yard restraining order that's still in effect?
Please. We can't do that. She's been humiliated enough already.
Humiliated.
I'll tell you about humiliation. You turned me into a walking air-sickness bag.
My whole family was humiliated. Do you understand that?
Do you have any idea of the teasing...
that my little sons, Ralph and Chuck, have had to endure?
I know your daughter Hurly had to transfer school.
Shirley. My daughter's name is Shirley.
That is much prettier.
- Tom Brokaw called her Hurly. - What?
It was a very cute picture though.
We gotta get this water underneath our bridge as soon as possible, for Shane's sake.
Shane has nothing to do with this. I would never hold anything against one of my students.
All right. Then...
Get back to work!
Now all of this is going down tonight, so I want everyone to be prepared.
Tonight?
Can't we do it next week? Me and Madcow got tickets to Wrestlemania.
You see this?
This here little DNA bead comes from a girl in Riverside, California.
Didn't like to wash her hands. Took me three whole weeks.
And this one. Nice lady in Detroit, Motown.
Six days flat.
Then there's this old guy in Philly.
I killed him in seventy-two hours.
Yeah, I'm getting better as I go along, baby, but the problem is I never set a record.
Until my man Frank, that is.
I'm gonna take him down in 48 hours. Get my own chapter in the medical books.
Excuse me. Excuse me. I got one more question here.
Is there anything that, say, a white blood cell could do to stop this evil plan?
You know, hypothetically speaking, that is.
- And, who are you? - Who am I? Who am I?
A bad, booty-shaking pickinosis. Yeah. That's who I am.
- I never heard of you. - That's 'cause you just got here.
But ask any of these suckers, when it comes to illing...
bad, booty-shaking pickinosis stands above all the rest.
Oh, that hurts.
Hey! That ain't no germ.
That's a cop.
Well, what do we have here? An officer of Frank's finest.
Somebody lay down a towel. This is going to be messy.
Attention, germs. You are surrounded.
Surrounded.
Yo, Hammer. You can stop dancing.
What kept you?
Es el Muerte Rojo! No me mates! Get out of here!
I just want you to lift this restraining order for this weekend so I can do this father-daughter trip.
The answer is no, Mr. Detorre.
Please.
Think about it overnight.
It would make a little girl very happy.
Only for use against the most stubborn cold symptoms.
- Childproof caps. - Get him!
Why you hit so hard?
Drix, I could use a little help here.
Give me that thing.
Oh, no. Not again.
You have something white on your lips.
Other side.
Get out!
Out!
The answer is no! Absolutely not!
Thanks. You saved my cytoplasm in there.
Mr. Thrax has left the building.
- My name is what? - Ozzy?
- My name is who? - Jones!
My name is Osmosis Jones.
Now, let's call in for a scab and get back to the precinct.
Jones! In my office.
Hey, hey, who died? Other than Thrax, that is. Brandy!
- I mean, Leah. What are you doing here? - You really did it now, Jones.
- Mr. Mayor! I didn't see you back there. - Disregarding orders, destruction of public flesh...
popping a pimple without a permit! What the heck were you doing up there?
What was I doing?
- I was promoting good health, sir. - Oh, is that what you call it?
Sir, he was lethal virus. If we hadn't stopped him...
- We'd be frying eggs off of Frank's dead butt! - Watch your mouth, kid. Talk like that could cause a panic.
At least that would start people thinking about what's going on in this body...
instead of thinking about some stupid trip!
Okay, Jones, you want us to start thinking? Well, here's a thought:
You're fired.
Uh, sir...
- Mr. Mayor... - I'll need your badge, mister.
Figures. I finally do something right for Frank, and I get fired.
Osmosis.
Please, without Jones, Frank could've been in mortal danger.
Oh, mortal danger, hmm? You'd love to prove that, wouldn't you, Mr. Drixenol?
Get your name written up in the New England Journal of Medicine.
Son, do me a favour and read what it says on your arm.
"For the temporary relief of symptoms associated with..."
Exactly. Temporary.
You're nothing but a wannabe. A placebo.
A generic brand. Marked down, over-the-counter useless Tic-Tac.
Now, get out of my body!
It appears that continuing symptoms, while annoying...
will not derail plans for the upcoming trip to the annual...
Buffalo chicken wing festival.
- What's so funny? - I don't know.
They're making this too easy.
You know, in all the parties I've been in, no one has ever gotten wise to me...
and now for the first time...
an immunity cell has figured out everything...
and they don't believe him.
Can you taste the irony in that?
Shut up! What are you two laughing at?
All right, we're back on schedule.
But boss, we're the only ones left.
Maybe we should incubate for a while?
You incubate.
I said 48 hours. I'm going to make my deadline.
Medical books aren't written about losers.
I'm not going.
- You're not going where, hon? - To Buffalo. I'm not going.
Honey, I'm... We're all packed. Buffalo's going to be a blast.
I'm going camping with my friends.
You're welcome to join us.
Well, I don't think...
I'd really like you to come.
No. No, no. No, no, I...
You don't want me huffing and puffing after you.
You want to go camping, okay.
I know I can get Uncle Bob to go with me to Buffalo.
I'm tired of this. It's not fair.
I go where you want to go. I eat what you want to eat.
Don't you ever think about anyone other than yourself?
I think about you all the time.
Were you thinking about me when you packed me a fried Slim Jim sandwich for lunch?
Yeah. It was a turkey Slim Jim.
You know, Dad...
Maybe if you and Mom listened to me a little more...
and took better care of yourselves...
maybe she'd still be here.
Will you knock off that hamburger talk? Come here, honey. Hey.
Your mom died...
because she got sick.
And how do you think you get sick?
Germs.
It's the way you eat.
Who's that?
Did you know my great-great-grandpappy fought the measles? Yeah.
There's been a Jones on the force ever since my ancestors came over on the umbilical cord.
Until now, that is.
All right, ladies. Wrap it up now.
Well, I... I guess I should get going.
Wouldn't want Frank to build up immunity to me.
Who knows? Maybe next time he takes Drixenol it'll be able to do him some good.
- Goodbye, Drips. - That's Drix.
Whatever.
All right. All right, people, let's get started.
I don't need to remind anyone that today's our trip to Buffalo, New York.
Frank will be up in 20 minutes. I don't want him so much as losing an eyelash...
or stubbing his toe, today.
Excuse me, sir. Would you like a free screening?
We've got a live feed here, broadcasting dreams all the way from the subconscious in the brain.
You get back to work right now.
That's right, big boy. You keep on dreaming.
At least you got your health.
Ninety-eight point six.
- Ninety-eight point six. - Aha. Perfect.
You can't come in here!
No, no!
Baby...
you are looking fine today.
Yes...
Don't forget that doughnut-seat cushion we take to football games.
Don't want the voters in the haemorrhoids having anything to complain about.
Sir, something freaky is going on with the weather.
- We're probably drinking some hot coffee. - Sir, look at the map.
- What if Jones is right? - Jones?
Funny. Funny.
You care more about your stupid re-election...
than you care about all our lives.
Something's going on and I'm going to the hypothalamus to check it out.
Hypo-whothewhat is this?
Leah, wait! Who is going to answer the phones?
All units, be advised. We have a break-in.
Sarge?
Nah. Nothing down there but bad dreams.
Frankie.
Wait.
Maybe Shane would like to know about the 200-yard restraining order.
Maybe if you and Mom listened to me a little more...
and took better care of yourselves...
- maybe she'd still be here. - You're fired. Get out of here!
- Get out! - No, I can't.
- You get back to work right now. - Huh?
What the heck was that?
Francis Detorre, you stand up right now!
Thrax is alive. Thrax is alive and he's in the brain!
Oh, great, pal. Spoil the ending.
- Hey buddy, what temperature you got? - 98.6.
- Wait a minute. Is this thing broken again? - Drix!
You get those skid marks out of my class! Out the door!
This cat was sick before I even got here.
Now boarding! The 9:37, with non-stop service...
- to the toilet bowl. - Tickets, please.
Keep it moving. Let's go.
- Thank you. - Drix!
- Yo, Drix! - Jones?
Get your time-release butt off this boat!
- Thrax is alive. Come on. Let's go. - I'm sorry, Osmosis. I can't help you.
Excuse me?
I wasn't designed to combat a virus. Read my label.
You gotta learn to think outside the pillbox, man.
Come on. Keep it moving.
I know sugar pills who cured cancer, just because they believed they could.
Oh, I don't know, Ozzy. Look at me.
I'm cherry-flavoured.
Hey, pal, are you on or off?
Fine. Flush your life down the toilet.
The zipper's down. All ashore that's going ashore.
Jones?
- You really know a sugar pill who cured cancer? - No.
It makes for a good pep talk, don't it?
Let's go catch a cold.
Hey Shane. How about a hug for your Uncle Bob?
Okay. Nice talking to you too.
Hey, muscles.
- You don't look so good. - I feel a little fluey.
You know what they say, "Starve a cold, drown the flu."
There you go. Your body needs fluids, now, and lots of them.
Is beer fluid?
Yeah, of course it's fluid.
- What about all that wet stuff in it? - I thought that was the beer.
Oh, come on. No, finish that up. Come on, we want to get better. Come on.
There we go. That's it. That's my good washboard-tummy guy.
This is it. Men, go, go, go, go, go.
Hi, baby.
Why are you waiting for? Shoot him!
If you follow me, she dies.
Oh no. Don't shoot.
- Hey, this ain't no time to get carsick. - Don't worry about me. I'm ⅛ Dramamine!
It's just this darn heat!
Just as long as it don't hit 108 degrees, or Frank's daughter's an orphan.
Shane, look what I brought for you. They're false eyelashes.
Whatever.
Just close your eye.
There you go. You look good with falsies.
- What the...? - Let me go!
Oh, don't worry about Shane. Shane will be fine.
Well I just want to, you know, put her at ease. I don't want her to worry.
Listen...
why don't you sit her down and tell her...
that if anything ever happens to you, I will take care of her. Okay?
I will raise her, I will nurture her, I will love her...
and then when she's 16, I'll boot her out the door.
Sixteen?
Well, yeah! You know, I'm not gonna mommy her forever, okay? I mean, sixteen, sure.
Frank? Are you all right?
All units! All units! We have a hostage situation involving the mayor's aide.
Oh, no. Leah, girl, what were you thinking?
And now, we go live...
to a high-speed chase in the superior vena cava expressway.
Reports of a hostage are confirmed.
Look out!
Suspect is headed towards the uvula. Repeat: Headed towards the uvula.
What the heck is a "uvala"?
- It's that dangly thing that hangs down in Frank's... - Boxer shorts! Okay, here we go!
Not that little dangly thing!
The one in his throat!
I knew that. I knew that.
Frank?
Are you with me?
Frank, are you... Frank, are you with me? Are you okay?
I feel fine. Say it!
Frank. Hold on, here.
That's it. Hey! You're going to the hospital. The trip is off. Come on.
- Pull it over, big guy. - The trip is off? No!
Shane, isn't that your dad?
Oh, my God.
Stop the bus!
Dad! Uncle Bob!
- Uncle Bob! - Shane!
What are you doing here?
- It's okay. I'm her niece! - What happened?
Um, well, honey, your daddy's had a little accident, okay?
- Is he okay? - Oh sure, no, he's going to be fine.
I hope he's going to be okay. Come on.
Let me go! Hey, hey, watch the hands, buddy!
- Hold up. - You better put me down!
- Critical one here! - Coming through.
- What's the story on this one? - I don't know. I don't know what it is. The guy is burning up.
Let's move on my mark. One, two, lift!
- What is that nasty smell? - Cherry. Wild cherry.
Now let her go.
Why? So you can ice me again?
No! So I can!
Virus con Dios.
Jones! Ooh, thank Frank.
What's his temperature?
- It's at 106.2. - Put him in ice!
Let's get some ice in here. We've gotta cool this guy down.
Go on in.
- We need some ice in here! - Right, I'll get it.
Daddy?
Maggie.
No. No, Dad. It's me, Shane.
Come out, come out, wherever you are.
I ain't got time for this.
This is Frank PD. We have you surrounded.
Surrender at once.
- Give it up, Thrax. You're busted. - Hand over the bracelet.
You all are making this too easy.
- Pollen? - Check this out.
Oh, no!
Mother of Frank!
Enjoy the funeral, boys!
- We're dead. - How's your aim?
A lot better than yours!
Jones, what do you think you're doing?
Saving Frank.
Let's do it.
You want Osmosis?
You've got Osmosis.
You just don't know when to quit, do you, Jones?
You know what, Jones? You want this chain so bad...
Big Daddy Thrax is gonna let you have it.
Looks good on you, Jones.
You wear it well.
It's a shame you had to come this far from home just to die.
Who's the Germinator now?
It's a falsie.
Can you feel the heat, Jones?
Too bad you won't be here to see me break my record...
when I take down Frank's pretty little girl.
She ain't going down.
- You are. - What?
No!
We're losing him. Breathe!
- Come on, man. - Daddy! No! I don't want to lose you!
- Take her outside. - Come on, honey. There's nothing you can do.
- No, no, that's my dad! - The doctor's doing everything he can.
That's my dad. Dad!
Hey! Wait!
Frank!
Things are looking grim as temperatures rise to dangerous levels.
We have lost all contact with the outer extremities.
NNN will stay on the air as long as possible.
When we come back, ordinary household appliances that can improve your golf swing.
You silly twit. Don't you get it?! We are going to die!
Oh I knew it, Dan. At the first dark cloud, you fall apart.
- Moron! - Phony!
Gentlemen, playing with you has been the greatest pleasure of my life.
He's not coming back. He's not gonna make it.
Come on. He'll be... He'll be...
That's it.
- No, wait, hey. - Daddy!
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that to you.
I don't blame you at all for Mom's death. I didn't mean any of it.
You're the greatest dad in all the world.
Look!
Ozzy!
Oh, Jones.
Get that thing to the hypothalamus now!
Okay, I'm calling it.
I'm sorry. sweetie. Come on. I know, I know. Come on.
Wait a minute! He's got a pulse!
He's coming back.
107.7.
107.6.
Your mama says, "Hi."
As sweltering temperatures return to normal, a grateful city salutes Osmosis Jones.
The brave officer who saved us all.
Patrolman Jones has just been reinstated to the immunity force with full privileges.
Hey Ozzy, can I count on you to keep Frank in shape?
You know, we got that insurance exam next month.
I don't know. You're going to have to talk to my new partner.
- If he feels like hanging around a little while. - But my work visa's expired.
Well, we'll go down to the haemorrhoid and get you a good lawyer.
Come here, baby. I'm still Jonesing for a little more Osmosis.
Oh, my God. Look how beautiful.
Didn't I tell you it'd be worth it.
I didn't think I'd break a sweat coming up here. But I did.
Yeah, it was kind of a long drive.
Carrot?
I wonder what this does.
- Dad. - Was that you?
What the heck?
Out with the old, in with the new.